Sunday, January 20, 2013

Port Chester 1/19

No one else engendered this reaction but with him it seemed constant. Usually in a record or book store. Sometimes, if I had gotten closer, in my room. I don't know how many times I saw one of those girls, those Tesla Girls, pick up a record or magazine and see his picture and do the same thing. Her body weakened a little and she reached one hand out and touched his picture. In that moment I always felt the same thing. Inadequacy. Envy. Oh, definitely envy. Disappointment. All my hopes for worming my way into her heart relied on my ability to understand her better than the multitudes of very cool but loutish boys who were more attractive, charismatic, older, whatever. What chance did I stand when someone an ocean and a quiff away could do it better without ever even walking past her in the hall? What chance did all my attentive listening, art film suggestions and mixed tapes have when he could tell her what she felt before she even felt it for the first time? It seemed like a fool's errand to bother to hope. And the goddamned asexuality and vegetarianism. I still wonder how many of them named their boys Steven, a little secret they keep between themselves, Him and, of course, him. Coming up with some bogus reason it had to be spelled with a 'V'.

I saw him play last night. I have seen him over the years. I never saw the band, though. And I never will, if I am to believe him. I am forty now and he has been with me, never my nemesis as I once feared, since I was about thirteen. I stood with my friend Nicole, who has been with me almost as long.

it's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind

It took me a long time to practice this one. Nicole never had that problem. She was listening more carefully I guess. Why wouldn't she? She didn't have to deal with him trampling all over her youthful romantic possibilities again and again. The show went on and I was astounded by how good songs I had never heard sounded.

all of the rumours keeping me grounded, i never said i never said they were completely unfounded

These songs are great. Why did I stop buying his records? He was right all along so why did I stop listening? Suddenly, he changed shirts, threw the new one into the audience and put on another. Couple more songs and he would be done. He gave a short lecture about how the phrase "free gift" is redundant and then something like this :

we all die embarrassed, we all die trying to better ourselves, we all die hoping people think we're ok, so get on with it

and then

see the luck i've had can make a good man turn bad...

Would it be wrong to change the dog's name to Steven?